I used to love change.
For years, I would purposely move, get a new job, apartment, haircut, boyfriend … whatever, just so I could shake up my life and see what would happen. There have been great things and not so great things that have come about from this type of living. I haven’t always had a ton of stability and often times I would leave just when things were getting good. In hindsight, I realize that had I stayed around, change would have occurred while standing in one place, because that’s just the way life works.
Change happens whether you want it or not.
These days, change makes me nervous because I have so many things I’m trying to juggle.
When I was pregnant, I was pretty sure that I would be able to hold on to my life. I pictured myself taking my son everywhere with me –dinner parties, concerts,wine tastings and champagne brunches.
I would still be me, just with a cute baby on my hip.
Clearly, the mommyclub hadn’t filled me in on how vastly different my life was going to look.
I’ve had a lot of adjustments to make. Lots of things to give up and a lot more time at home. And I am totally fine with it. I see friends when I can, I spend a lot of time with my family and I adore every minute I spend with my son, watching him grow and that gummy smile he gives me when he figures something out for the first time.
I do miss the old me and I’m trying to see how I can still have her. At least parts of her.
Just last week I went to the mall and I was about to buy this great new dress. A perfect cocktail dress in a gorgeous pale coral, and I grabbed it off the rack and headed straight to the cash register to buy it. But as I stood there, I began to wonder “When in the hell am I actually going to wear this?” While I am at the park? Doing laundry? Making baby food? At work? Writing at the library? Storytime at Kidspace Museum? Nah, I put it back on the rack and left the store.
At the moment, it’s not just part of my life and at times I can feel that I am losing the woman I used to be.
Sure, I go out with friends every now and then. Or we get a babysitter and head out for dinner and drinks. But a lot of times we do things as a family, and it’s a jeans and ballet flats kinda night, not quite a coral cocktail dress and high heels worthy. Not yet.
Right now I am in search of balance. Trying to find time for me, while exploring my new life and role.
It’s true, that I love being a mom, it’s everything I never knew I wanted and then some!
But I need to find time to still be the fun, carefree girl I used to be. I need to wear pretty dresses and high heels and I really could use a jalapeno margarita.